


The Secret to Chivalrous Combat

by themadlurker



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Boyfights, Chivalry, F/F, Gen, Humor, Love Triangle, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-26
Updated: 2009-09-26
Packaged: 2017-10-08 05:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/73216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadlurker/pseuds/themadlurker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You'd think it would be flattering, having the two best knights in the kingdom fighting for your hand; Merlin would disagree.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret to Chivalrous Combat

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written as commentfic for [miakun](http://miakun.livejournal.com)'s prompt for "Boy fights. Like drag down, slapping, pushing, hair pulling, elbows everywhere horrible boy fights. Not man fights like sparring _boy fights_."

The trouble with being fought over by the two best knights in the realm was that, although it was all very flattering and romantic, the results of having the two best knights in the realm fight to the death could be disastrous for the kingdom, so the contest had to be toned down a bit and kept "chivalrous" for the sake of the public good.

Lancelot and Arthur made a game show of it the first few times around. There was a lot of talk about defending their beloved's honour and proving themselves worthy of such an exalted love, but this rhetoric eventually wore thin after they started repeating themselves and forgetting which of them was going with "limpid pools" and which one with "raven-black hair".

It also became obvious rather quickly that things would go badly if either of them had a sword, mace, or other sharp instrument to hand, and then Lancelot had broken Arthur's leg with a staff and Uther had to come down on even _that_ form of combat like the wrath of god.

By the time that all weapons had been disallowed, including makeshift bludgeons, farming implements, and any objects that could possibly get lodged in an uncomfortable area — "his _knee_, Merlin, don't be such a pervert about this highly honourable and chivalrous combat" — and the fair target zones had been reduced to exclude the face — which Arthur claimed was as much Lancelot's vanity as his own — and the royal genitals — which Arthur had the unfortunate habit of referring to as the only true jewels of the kingdom — the only option remaining was a rather tame bout of fisticuffs—

—which had to be further down-graded after extensive bruising and because it had been two months and still neither of them was getting any sex out of it.

Merlin found himself watching disconsolately as Lancelot grabbed Arthur's nose and yanked, only to be given a penalty point by Gawain, whose day it was to referee, for which Arthur was allowed to grab hold of the skin on Lancelot's arm and twist _very hard_ for five seconds, before they both returned to slapping at each other's hands and occasionally going for the dreaded hair-mussing move.

When Morgana came down to the practice yard to have her daily laugh and critique the relative merits of their hair-pulling techniques, she discovered Merlin looking on glumly on the contest, and ruffled his hair sympathetically. With Merlin, hair-mussing was never out of bounds, as they had once deduced that he had had a family of mice living in his official servant's hat for two weeks before there was any noticeable effect on his hairstyle.

"Hmm," said Merlin, in response. "Let me ask you a question. When you were courting Gwen, how did you go about it?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Morgana, watching Arthur land a victorious backhand on Lancelot's rump. "I suppose I just told her I liked her, really. I might have brought her flowers a couple of times, and given her one of my dresses."

"So you didn't, for example, get into slap fights with your best friend every day while _completely ignoring_ the object of your affections?"

Arthur's attempt to smush Lancelot's face with his palm failed gloriously, resulting instead in an elbow to the kidney, and both combatants were forced to take a time out, staring each other down with intense expressions from opposite sides of the ugly red neckerchief Gawain was dangling between them.

Merlin sighed one more time and turned to look properly at Morgana, whose near constant amusement at the knights' antics had faded into a soft and pensive look.

"You know," said Merlin, "as flattering and, uh, manly as this is contest is, I can't help thinking there are other activities like, say, picking flowers, that I'd get a lot more enjoyment out of."

Morgana regarded him consideringly for a moment before offering him a half-smile.

"Hm. Well, I'll have to check with Guinevere of course, but I do think my rooms could do with some brightening up. Why don't you bring some of those lovely yellow ones that grow near the river bank to my chambers at about, oh, noon? Gwen will know what to do with them."

As for Arthur and Lancelot, they eventually learned to sort out their disagreements in private, and the dignity of Camelot breathed a sigh of relief.


End file.
